psych appointment

Well am feeling emotionally drained at the moment after my psych appointment. I haven't been since before xmas so it was a lengthy one. He wanted to talk to me about my dad today. It's something that I had managed to avoid for nearly 3yrs of seeing him, but he thinks that it is something that I needed to talk about before I can actively move on. Not sure about that, but I guess he is the expert.

My every waking minute I spend trying not to make the same mistakes that my parents did, in particular my father - apparently that isn't healthy, and I just need to focus on being me - both as a parent and as a person. Anytime I get angry I worry that I am turning into him. I worry that one day the monster that is inside me (being the part that he made) will surface and I will lose control and do the things that he did to me as a child. When I get angry, at the kids or at anything in life, I tend to run away. I retreat to the bedroom until the anger subsides. Psych said that normal people get angry, and that it isn't an abnormal emotion and that I am allowed to feel that way at times. Its the way I deal with it that is unhealthy. Bottling things up just makes it worse. I need to be able to talk about my feelings and work through them. We talked about the fact that my fear of turning into him is irrational and that we make our own destiny, and even though he is a part of my genetics, he doesn't make who I am.

Hard for me to absorb that, hard for me to believe that genetically I am not screwed up because he is my father. Hard for me to understand that because he solved things with his fists, that I won't travel down the same road.

We talked about my choice to not have anything to do with him even though he now has cancer. Last time I saw him was at my mothers funeral. I thought after that, that the next time I heard anything about him it would be someone telling me he had passed away. I was totally ok with that. Then he decided to try and get in contact with me to tell me he had cancer. I had no feelings whatsoever when he told me. No sympathy, no remorse, not even an inkling of sadness - and this is what made me decide that I did that want to be in contact with him, I couldn't be his emotional crutch and in no way could I ever forgive him for the things that he has done. Psych decided this was something that I wasn't ready to discuss with objectivity, so it was left alone.

So I don't really feel like we got anywhere lol. A waste of time and emotion on my behalf.

Corey gets home from camp this afternoon. I can't wait. Nights have been lonely without him to talk to. Moo has been so sooky and not wanting to go to bed, so I reckon she will be over the moon when he gets home.
Today is the start of the school holidays, 2 weeks with 4 kids home. Eek!! Hopefully it will be nice weather and we will be able to go out and about with them. We may even have a new family member at the end of the holidays, if I can make a decision on whether I am going to take the puppy or not. I wish sometimes I was better at making decsions, but I am constantly second guessing myself.

Day 2 - a better day

Today was a better day. It was nice to get out what I needed to last night and it actually got me thinking and putting things in better perspective. Friends are the family you choose (some wise person said that to me) and it's so very true. I guess my issue with that is that I have had so many friends screw me over that I always have that thought in the back of my mind that I will either one day be replaced and never spoken to again, or that I will realise I was being taken for a ride and used all along. I put myself out there and try to be the best friend that I can be to people and this makes me an easy target - a doormat. Recently I have been trying to work out why some friendships failed but it's too hard for me to work out. I know that I changed as a person when D and I split, and maybe this is why. I probably won't ever know.

Corey headed off to camp this morning, and I'm missing him terribly. Moo is beside me on the couch, as she fell asleep because she was waiting for Corey to come home. Bit hard to explain to a 3yr old that its another couple of nights.  I hope he is having a good time, can't wait until he comes home on friday.

Mowed the front and side lawns today. Sweated like a pig, but I am hoping that sweating this stupid bug out of me will help somewhat. I do feel better today, am going to pop down to the natrapath tomorrow and get some tonic to try and get rid of all the nasty toxins that are still floating around.

Last night when I went to bed I re read what I wrote and then thought about things. Even if my parents were here, would I let them be a part of my kids lives, especially when my childhood was quite crappy. If I had not left NSW would things be different, regardless of where I am in the world, I am still without parents/family. So at least I could put things in perspective a little better once the crying stopped and things became clearer in my mind.

And so it begins

Wow, so I have put off the blog thing for a long time, but I guess at the end of the day, what does it hurt. If people want to read the crap in my head, then let them. If they don't, then they head off to another page. So this is it, bare bones honesty, no walls!
Where to start - I suppose today is probably the place. Today is the first time in a while that I have allowed myself to feel lonely. I think last week when I was sick, it started seeping in, but today it was horrible. Stupid Biggest Loser was the make over special and they all looked fab and have done such a good job, but they bought their families in to say how good they were going and how proud they were. It was then that I realised that I don't have that anymore. I don't think I even really had it when my mum was alive. Don't get me wrong I loved her, but it was an odd relationship and there was very little to none of the admiration and proudness thing. I remember the negatives, I can't remember being told that my parents were ever proud of me. I hope she was, or would be. I know that I don't always do the right thing and I fall over a lot in life, but my kids are my proud moment. I think that I have raised kids that are polite and friendly and that my mum would have been proud to have as grandkids. I am sad that she never got to meet them, but then if she was still here I am unsure I would have taken them to see her. So much pain would have come with that.
I don't class my father as my family, nor is he a person I ever want to come near my kids. He is a toxic and evil person and that is where I will leave that. When my mum passed away, that was when I became parentless.
My bro is the only other family member I have. He lives 2 states away and has his own family.
I hate living in Victoria sometimes - but then I think about living back in NSW and there are too many memories, and really, I would be equally as alone. Gosh I am a sad sack today, I just don't seem to be able to get passed it tonight.
Corey is off to camp tomorrow. He is looking forward to it. I am going to miss him, and I know Moo will also. To not be able to talk to him or message him for 3 days is going to kill me. He is the rock around here. He helps me so much with the other kids and I truley don't know what I would do without him.
School holidays are coming up, hopefully we can have a quiet one and just chill out for a bit.
I am still sick, I hate being sick. It's been a week now. I am better than I was, but can't seem to get rid of these temps and this stupid chesty thing. Dr reckons I have pneumonia and has given me more antibiotics. Maybe that's why I feel so crappy. Am wondering if they may be effecting my bipolar meds.
Jordan has his 5 hour session at kinder tomorrow, hate those days. Moo constantly asks if we can go get him and just wanders around lost. 5 hours is a long time for a 3yr old (also is for a 34 yr old, but don't tell anyone).
I don't really have anything else to write, so I guess I will end my first blog post on that note.