psych appointment

Well am feeling emotionally drained at the moment after my psych appointment. I haven't been since before xmas so it was a lengthy one. He wanted to talk to me about my dad today. It's something that I had managed to avoid for nearly 3yrs of seeing him, but he thinks that it is something that I needed to talk about before I can actively move on. Not sure about that, but I guess he is the expert.

My every waking minute I spend trying not to make the same mistakes that my parents did, in particular my father - apparently that isn't healthy, and I just need to focus on being me - both as a parent and as a person. Anytime I get angry I worry that I am turning into him. I worry that one day the monster that is inside me (being the part that he made) will surface and I will lose control and do the things that he did to me as a child. When I get angry, at the kids or at anything in life, I tend to run away. I retreat to the bedroom until the anger subsides. Psych said that normal people get angry, and that it isn't an abnormal emotion and that I am allowed to feel that way at times. Its the way I deal with it that is unhealthy. Bottling things up just makes it worse. I need to be able to talk about my feelings and work through them. We talked about the fact that my fear of turning into him is irrational and that we make our own destiny, and even though he is a part of my genetics, he doesn't make who I am.

Hard for me to absorb that, hard for me to believe that genetically I am not screwed up because he is my father. Hard for me to understand that because he solved things with his fists, that I won't travel down the same road.

We talked about my choice to not have anything to do with him even though he now has cancer. Last time I saw him was at my mothers funeral. I thought after that, that the next time I heard anything about him it would be someone telling me he had passed away. I was totally ok with that. Then he decided to try and get in contact with me to tell me he had cancer. I had no feelings whatsoever when he told me. No sympathy, no remorse, not even an inkling of sadness - and this is what made me decide that I did that want to be in contact with him, I couldn't be his emotional crutch and in no way could I ever forgive him for the things that he has done. Psych decided this was something that I wasn't ready to discuss with objectivity, so it was left alone.

So I don't really feel like we got anywhere lol. A waste of time and emotion on my behalf.

Corey gets home from camp this afternoon. I can't wait. Nights have been lonely without him to talk to. Moo has been so sooky and not wanting to go to bed, so I reckon she will be over the moon when he gets home.
Today is the start of the school holidays, 2 weeks with 4 kids home. Eek!! Hopefully it will be nice weather and we will be able to go out and about with them. We may even have a new family member at the end of the holidays, if I can make a decision on whether I am going to take the puppy or not. I wish sometimes I was better at making decsions, but I am constantly second guessing myself.