And so it begins

Wow, so I have put off the blog thing for a long time, but I guess at the end of the day, what does it hurt. If people want to read the crap in my head, then let them. If they don't, then they head off to another page. So this is it, bare bones honesty, no walls!
Where to start - I suppose today is probably the place. Today is the first time in a while that I have allowed myself to feel lonely. I think last week when I was sick, it started seeping in, but today it was horrible. Stupid Biggest Loser was the make over special and they all looked fab and have done such a good job, but they bought their families in to say how good they were going and how proud they were. It was then that I realised that I don't have that anymore. I don't think I even really had it when my mum was alive. Don't get me wrong I loved her, but it was an odd relationship and there was very little to none of the admiration and proudness thing. I remember the negatives, I can't remember being told that my parents were ever proud of me. I hope she was, or would be. I know that I don't always do the right thing and I fall over a lot in life, but my kids are my proud moment. I think that I have raised kids that are polite and friendly and that my mum would have been proud to have as grandkids. I am sad that she never got to meet them, but then if she was still here I am unsure I would have taken them to see her. So much pain would have come with that.
I don't class my father as my family, nor is he a person I ever want to come near my kids. He is a toxic and evil person and that is where I will leave that. When my mum passed away, that was when I became parentless.
My bro is the only other family member I have. He lives 2 states away and has his own family.
I hate living in Victoria sometimes - but then I think about living back in NSW and there are too many memories, and really, I would be equally as alone. Gosh I am a sad sack today, I just don't seem to be able to get passed it tonight.
Corey is off to camp tomorrow. He is looking forward to it. I am going to miss him, and I know Moo will also. To not be able to talk to him or message him for 3 days is going to kill me. He is the rock around here. He helps me so much with the other kids and I truley don't know what I would do without him.
School holidays are coming up, hopefully we can have a quiet one and just chill out for a bit.
I am still sick, I hate being sick. It's been a week now. I am better than I was, but can't seem to get rid of these temps and this stupid chesty thing. Dr reckons I have pneumonia and has given me more antibiotics. Maybe that's why I feel so crappy. Am wondering if they may be effecting my bipolar meds.
Jordan has his 5 hour session at kinder tomorrow, hate those days. Moo constantly asks if we can go get him and just wanders around lost. 5 hours is a long time for a 3yr old (also is for a 34 yr old, but don't tell anyone).
I don't really have anything else to write, so I guess I will end my first blog post on that note.