Today someone made a comment that got me thinking. The comment was 'how do you live how you do' It got me thinking about how to answer that question.......................
How did I live my first 16yrs of my life the way I did. Trying my best not to say anything that might set him off, waiting for the sudden blow when I forgot my quiet voice, hiding the bruises, the grip marks and remembering to say I fell over when asked about the broken bones, or the cuts or bruises. Wishing that my bedroom door had a lock so that no one could get in at night, startled by every sudden noise with the thought of 'please, not again'. Trying my hardest to do the right thing, even though when you are a 3yr old, that is something that is extremely hard to do. Wondering what I did that was so bad that I had to live with this each and every day.
How did I live the next 5yrs working 2 jobs and going to school, in a haze of binge drinking and unfavourable habits. Wondering why one minute I would of quite gladly taken the most biggest risks live had to throw at me, and then the next minute falling in a deep dark hole, and wanted someone to bury me in it.
How did I live the next 12yrs, leaving behind NSW and moving 850km away to live with someone that I knew was never going to be honest or faithful. Someone that had lied to me from the beginning, but I had somehow fallen in love with and was quite happy to accept all the excuses. To live a life where I constantly had to check in, constantly felt the need to apologise, was not allowed to live my life without having to explain my every move. To have my first child at 22, to deal with the loss of having to say goodbye to one of my babies, whilst celebrating the birth of the other one. To have absolutely no clue as to what I was doing, and still dealing with the highs and lows of my mental state. Then to have my second child at 26, having suffered a stroke 32wks into my pregnancy. Having to learn simple things again like putting a spoon to my mouth, whilst also having to deal with the impending birth of my second child. All the while still dealing with my mental state, the panic attacks, the anxiety attacks. Having to leave my job because I couldn't physically get myself out of the car to be around people, which ended up with me not being able to leave the house. To be constantly told - oh you are just depressed, here have some tablets. To go to a psychiatrist and have him ask about my childhood and life so far and for him to say 'no wonder you are so fucked up', but not helping to offer a solution to the problem. Having to deal with the death of my mother, on her birthday at age 55. The guilt of not sending that last mothers day card, the guilt of blaming her for things that may have been some what out of her control, dealing with the fact I didn't get to say goodbye, didn't get to see her before she passed, and will never be able to speak to her again. Having to try and be the support that my brother so desperately needed, all the while wanting to yell and scream and say that I couldn't deal with my own grief let alone his. Having to deal a year later trying hard not to give birth to my 3rd child on the day of my mothers death. Having to deal with a name finally being given to the ups and downs that were my mental state, having to deal with the decision to go on meds for my bipolar and accept that this was going to be a forever thing, and not just something that went away. Having to then deal with the fact that I suddenly had a baby, that wasn't planned and I didn't even have 9mths to get prepared for. The guilt that I had somehow caused the issues that she had, by not knowing I was pregnant. To be too scared to even go near my husband as I was so petrified of getting pregnant again. To sleep for 2 yrs on the couch, as I couldn't be that close to someone without it making my skin crawl, or sending me into a panic attack.
How did I then deal with the fact that I was suddenly alone with 4 kids. No family, and it seemed no friends. To have to learn to do things with 4 kids always by my side, to find out that people aren't accepting of the fact that you will always have your kids with you. Losing a friendship that you valued so highly because you no longer fit into their life due to always having the kids. Having to make decisons on your own, that could effect your children long term. To have to choose which bills to pay, which nights to feed the kids but not yourself because you couldn't afford the rent as well as feeding all 5 of you.
So to answer the question (which I didn't at the time) - my life today is a hell of a lot different to how it used to be, and missing a concert, or not having any time to yourself is a small thing compared to all the things I have had to deal with in prior years. I guess until you've lived a day in my old life, you won't truly understand how this is nothing, and why it doesn't faze me much.
A fog lifted a year ago. I moved from a toxic home, I found the feet I always had, but didn't know how to use. I learned how to be me and how to accept that if people don't like it, then you have to just move on and realise that you don't need to please everyone. I finally found the strength to stand up to the demon of my childhood and say 'yes you may of found me again, but I will fight with all it takes and I will not change my life because you want to intimidate me'. I found my happy place, and I may have my bad days where I fall in a heap and cry, but there are more and more good days and I can finally see the best in things, not the worse.
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