The new Suz

Some people have noticed that I am different to what I was 2yrs ago - why did I change and how did I change?

I guess you don't realise how toxic something is until you are on the outside looking in. D and I had some good years but the 2yrs before we split, weren't great. We hardly even talked to each other, we had different wants and needs, and none were the same. From the outside we were happy, get behind that closed door and it was another story. We were toxic - to each other and to the kids. It wasn't a healthy environment and I can see that now. People say to me 'oh I am sorry you are divorced', I'm not, it's the best thing that happened to me. I suddenly went from the shell that I was, that struggled to even leave the house, to the mum that took 4 kids on her own across 3 states covering 4500kms.
I learned that if things needed to be done, there wasn't going to be anyone else to do them. I learned to be Suz - not Suz and D.
Some things in my life had to go - people, houses, choices of lifestyle. I suddenly had to think about everything I did, how I could do it with 4 kids in tow. I had to give up things that I loved doing (which was mainly doggy things), and sadly I had to give up friendships when I learned that when I needed support some people weren't going to be there for me, like I had been for them.
Do I regret these things - no. I chose to put my kids first and that is the way I believe it should be. Am I sad that people couldn't understand my choices and decided I wasn't worth the time - yeah I am.
I guess my first huge step was accepting my bipolar diagnoses and going back to my doctor and saying 'I need help, because this is not working for me'. I had to say goodbye to my manic times, to my creativity and to the reckless things that come with being manic. I had to finally accept that I needed help to live on a daily basis. My doc was brilliant. I admitted to him that I had been going off my antidepressants because I thought I was better. I admitted that I loved my manic state, but I loathed that deep dark hole I would fall into after it. I was put on a high dose of antidepressants, a mood stabiliser and lithium. Lithium was a huge deal for me, as I knew its a lifetime thing, which meant I had to finally realise that bipolar is who I am, and there is no easy fix. After a few weeks the clouds in my head began to lift. I still have days where I struggle, but not like I used to. The first step was asking for help, the second, was accepting who I was and what I needed to do.
This helped me hugely and suddenly I realised I could stand on my own 2 feet. I could go shopping with 4 kids, I could go out to places with 4 kids. I could do whatever I set my mind to.
I lost a few friendships whilst this change was taking place. I guess at the end of the day, with a new life, come new friendships and not everything is going to survive a change. I think that sometimes people are good at being friends with people that are fragile and submissive and they can't deal with someone saying how things are and not wanting to be treated like shit anymore. My fave saying is 'you live and learn' and I sure did through that period.
Fast forward to today. I have moved house, I have a great group of close friends - they may not be many, or even the people that I thought would be standing beside me, but they are there and I am extremely greatful that I have them. I have started another chapter in my life. Today I went to the gym - I went because I wanted to, not because I felt obliged to, or had been guilted into it. I am enjoying exercise and I am determined to become the best Suz that I can be. I don't expect it to be easy and I expect that it will be a long journey with many slip ups on the way through. I am not going to be too regimented in my eating - I have cut out coke, takeaway and sweets, but I am not going to stress if I have a lolly because I now know that this is my path, and I might stray but as long as the destination is the same, that is all that matters. My head is in the right place now. I am happy - wow that's a huge thing for me to admit. Yes I am happy. I love where I live, I love how grounded and happy the kids are here. I love that if I am feeling a bit down I can walk to the beach and sit and watch the waves come in. I think for the first time in 34yrs I am actually happy! I was never happy as a kid, I was never truely happy in my marriage - but I am happy now. People say you are what you eat - to an extent that is true but I think in my case it is more like, you are who you think you are. I thought I was never going to be any good, have any self worth. I was always told I would be a terrible mother, and that I was a loser and for 34yrs I believed that. Well I am out to prove that I am not that person, I am better than that and I am going to show the world.