Today someone made a comment that got me thinking. The comment was 'how do you live how you do' It got me thinking about how to answer that question.......................
How did I live my first 16yrs of my life the way I did. Trying my best not to say anything that might set him off, waiting for the sudden blow when I forgot my quiet voice, hiding the bruises, the grip marks and remembering to say I fell over when asked about the broken bones, or the cuts or bruises. Wishing that my bedroom door had a lock so that no one could get in at night, startled by every sudden noise with the thought of 'please, not again'. Trying my hardest to do the right thing, even though when you are a 3yr old, that is something that is extremely hard to do. Wondering what I did that was so bad that I had to live with this each and every day.
How did I live the next 5yrs working 2 jobs and going to school, in a haze of binge drinking and unfavourable habits. Wondering why one minute I would of quite gladly taken the most biggest risks live had to throw at me, and then the next minute falling in a deep dark hole, and wanted someone to bury me in it.
How did I live the next 12yrs, leaving behind NSW and moving 850km away to live with someone that I knew was never going to be honest or faithful. Someone that had lied to me from the beginning, but I had somehow fallen in love with and was quite happy to accept all the excuses. To live a life where I constantly had to check in, constantly felt the need to apologise, was not allowed to live my life without having to explain my every move. To have my first child at 22, to deal with the loss of having to say goodbye to one of my babies, whilst celebrating the birth of the other one. To have absolutely no clue as to what I was doing, and still dealing with the highs and lows of my mental state. Then to have my second child at 26, having suffered a stroke 32wks into my pregnancy. Having to learn simple things again like putting a spoon to my mouth, whilst also having to deal with the impending birth of my second child. All the while still dealing with my mental state, the panic attacks, the anxiety attacks. Having to leave my job because I couldn't physically get myself out of the car to be around people, which ended up with me not being able to leave the house. To be constantly told - oh you are just depressed, here have some tablets. To go to a psychiatrist and have him ask about my childhood and life so far and for him to say 'no wonder you are so fucked up', but not helping to offer a solution to the problem. Having to deal with the death of my mother, on her birthday at age 55. The guilt of not sending that last mothers day card, the guilt of blaming her for things that may have been some what out of her control, dealing with the fact I didn't get to say goodbye, didn't get to see her before she passed, and will never be able to speak to her again. Having to try and be the support that my brother so desperately needed, all the while wanting to yell and scream and say that I couldn't deal with my own grief let alone his. Having to deal a year later trying hard not to give birth to my 3rd child on the day of my mothers death. Having to deal with a name finally being given to the ups and downs that were my mental state, having to deal with the decision to go on meds for my bipolar and accept that this was going to be a forever thing, and not just something that went away. Having to then deal with the fact that I suddenly had a baby, that wasn't planned and I didn't even have 9mths to get prepared for. The guilt that I had somehow caused the issues that she had, by not knowing I was pregnant. To be too scared to even go near my husband as I was so petrified of getting pregnant again. To sleep for 2 yrs on the couch, as I couldn't be that close to someone without it making my skin crawl, or sending me into a panic attack.
How did I then deal with the fact that I was suddenly alone with 4 kids. No family, and it seemed no friends. To have to learn to do things with 4 kids always by my side, to find out that people aren't accepting of the fact that you will always have your kids with you. Losing a friendship that you valued so highly because you no longer fit into their life due to always having the kids. Having to make decisons on your own, that could effect your children long term. To have to choose which bills to pay, which nights to feed the kids but not yourself because you couldn't afford the rent as well as feeding all 5 of you.
So to answer the question (which I didn't at the time) - my life today is a hell of a lot different to how it used to be, and missing a concert, or not having any time to yourself is a small thing compared to all the things I have had to deal with in prior years. I guess until you've lived a day in my old life, you won't truly understand how this is nothing, and why it doesn't faze me much.
A fog lifted a year ago. I moved from a toxic home, I found the feet I always had, but didn't know how to use. I learned how to be me and how to accept that if people don't like it, then you have to just move on and realise that you don't need to please everyone. I finally found the strength to stand up to the demon of my childhood and say 'yes you may of found me again, but I will fight with all it takes and I will not change my life because you want to intimidate me'. I found my happy place, and I may have my bad days where I fall in a heap and cry, but there are more and more good days and I can finally see the best in things, not the worse.
Saturday, 23 February 2013
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
The new Suz
Some people have noticed that I am different to what I was 2yrs ago - why did I change and how did I change?
I guess you don't realise how toxic something is until you are on the outside looking in. D and I had some good years but the 2yrs before we split, weren't great. We hardly even talked to each other, we had different wants and needs, and none were the same. From the outside we were happy, get behind that closed door and it was another story. We were toxic - to each other and to the kids. It wasn't a healthy environment and I can see that now. People say to me 'oh I am sorry you are divorced', I'm not, it's the best thing that happened to me. I suddenly went from the shell that I was, that struggled to even leave the house, to the mum that took 4 kids on her own across 3 states covering 4500kms.
I learned that if things needed to be done, there wasn't going to be anyone else to do them. I learned to be Suz - not Suz and D.
Some things in my life had to go - people, houses, choices of lifestyle. I suddenly had to think about everything I did, how I could do it with 4 kids in tow. I had to give up things that I loved doing (which was mainly doggy things), and sadly I had to give up friendships when I learned that when I needed support some people weren't going to be there for me, like I had been for them.
Do I regret these things - no. I chose to put my kids first and that is the way I believe it should be. Am I sad that people couldn't understand my choices and decided I wasn't worth the time - yeah I am.
I guess my first huge step was accepting my bipolar diagnoses and going back to my doctor and saying 'I need help, because this is not working for me'. I had to say goodbye to my manic times, to my creativity and to the reckless things that come with being manic. I had to finally accept that I needed help to live on a daily basis. My doc was brilliant. I admitted to him that I had been going off my antidepressants because I thought I was better. I admitted that I loved my manic state, but I loathed that deep dark hole I would fall into after it. I was put on a high dose of antidepressants, a mood stabiliser and lithium. Lithium was a huge deal for me, as I knew its a lifetime thing, which meant I had to finally realise that bipolar is who I am, and there is no easy fix. After a few weeks the clouds in my head began to lift. I still have days where I struggle, but not like I used to. The first step was asking for help, the second, was accepting who I was and what I needed to do.
This helped me hugely and suddenly I realised I could stand on my own 2 feet. I could go shopping with 4 kids, I could go out to places with 4 kids. I could do whatever I set my mind to.
I lost a few friendships whilst this change was taking place. I guess at the end of the day, with a new life, come new friendships and not everything is going to survive a change. I think that sometimes people are good at being friends with people that are fragile and submissive and they can't deal with someone saying how things are and not wanting to be treated like shit anymore. My fave saying is 'you live and learn' and I sure did through that period.
Fast forward to today. I have moved house, I have a great group of close friends - they may not be many, or even the people that I thought would be standing beside me, but they are there and I am extremely greatful that I have them. I have started another chapter in my life. Today I went to the gym - I went because I wanted to, not because I felt obliged to, or had been guilted into it. I am enjoying exercise and I am determined to become the best Suz that I can be. I don't expect it to be easy and I expect that it will be a long journey with many slip ups on the way through. I am not going to be too regimented in my eating - I have cut out coke, takeaway and sweets, but I am not going to stress if I have a lolly because I now know that this is my path, and I might stray but as long as the destination is the same, that is all that matters. My head is in the right place now. I am happy - wow that's a huge thing for me to admit. Yes I am happy. I love where I live, I love how grounded and happy the kids are here. I love that if I am feeling a bit down I can walk to the beach and sit and watch the waves come in. I think for the first time in 34yrs I am actually happy! I was never happy as a kid, I was never truely happy in my marriage - but I am happy now. People say you are what you eat - to an extent that is true but I think in my case it is more like, you are who you think you are. I thought I was never going to be any good, have any self worth. I was always told I would be a terrible mother, and that I was a loser and for 34yrs I believed that. Well I am out to prove that I am not that person, I am better than that and I am going to show the world.
I guess you don't realise how toxic something is until you are on the outside looking in. D and I had some good years but the 2yrs before we split, weren't great. We hardly even talked to each other, we had different wants and needs, and none were the same. From the outside we were happy, get behind that closed door and it was another story. We were toxic - to each other and to the kids. It wasn't a healthy environment and I can see that now. People say to me 'oh I am sorry you are divorced', I'm not, it's the best thing that happened to me. I suddenly went from the shell that I was, that struggled to even leave the house, to the mum that took 4 kids on her own across 3 states covering 4500kms.
I learned that if things needed to be done, there wasn't going to be anyone else to do them. I learned to be Suz - not Suz and D.
Some things in my life had to go - people, houses, choices of lifestyle. I suddenly had to think about everything I did, how I could do it with 4 kids in tow. I had to give up things that I loved doing (which was mainly doggy things), and sadly I had to give up friendships when I learned that when I needed support some people weren't going to be there for me, like I had been for them.
Do I regret these things - no. I chose to put my kids first and that is the way I believe it should be. Am I sad that people couldn't understand my choices and decided I wasn't worth the time - yeah I am.
I guess my first huge step was accepting my bipolar diagnoses and going back to my doctor and saying 'I need help, because this is not working for me'. I had to say goodbye to my manic times, to my creativity and to the reckless things that come with being manic. I had to finally accept that I needed help to live on a daily basis. My doc was brilliant. I admitted to him that I had been going off my antidepressants because I thought I was better. I admitted that I loved my manic state, but I loathed that deep dark hole I would fall into after it. I was put on a high dose of antidepressants, a mood stabiliser and lithium. Lithium was a huge deal for me, as I knew its a lifetime thing, which meant I had to finally realise that bipolar is who I am, and there is no easy fix. After a few weeks the clouds in my head began to lift. I still have days where I struggle, but not like I used to. The first step was asking for help, the second, was accepting who I was and what I needed to do.
This helped me hugely and suddenly I realised I could stand on my own 2 feet. I could go shopping with 4 kids, I could go out to places with 4 kids. I could do whatever I set my mind to.
I lost a few friendships whilst this change was taking place. I guess at the end of the day, with a new life, come new friendships and not everything is going to survive a change. I think that sometimes people are good at being friends with people that are fragile and submissive and they can't deal with someone saying how things are and not wanting to be treated like shit anymore. My fave saying is 'you live and learn' and I sure did through that period.
Fast forward to today. I have moved house, I have a great group of close friends - they may not be many, or even the people that I thought would be standing beside me, but they are there and I am extremely greatful that I have them. I have started another chapter in my life. Today I went to the gym - I went because I wanted to, not because I felt obliged to, or had been guilted into it. I am enjoying exercise and I am determined to become the best Suz that I can be. I don't expect it to be easy and I expect that it will be a long journey with many slip ups on the way through. I am not going to be too regimented in my eating - I have cut out coke, takeaway and sweets, but I am not going to stress if I have a lolly because I now know that this is my path, and I might stray but as long as the destination is the same, that is all that matters. My head is in the right place now. I am happy - wow that's a huge thing for me to admit. Yes I am happy. I love where I live, I love how grounded and happy the kids are here. I love that if I am feeling a bit down I can walk to the beach and sit and watch the waves come in. I think for the first time in 34yrs I am actually happy! I was never happy as a kid, I was never truely happy in my marriage - but I am happy now. People say you are what you eat - to an extent that is true but I think in my case it is more like, you are who you think you are. I thought I was never going to be any good, have any self worth. I was always told I would be a terrible mother, and that I was a loser and for 34yrs I believed that. Well I am out to prove that I am not that person, I am better than that and I am going to show the world.
Thursday, 29 March 2012
psych appointment
Well am feeling emotionally drained at the moment after my psych appointment. I haven't been since before xmas so it was a lengthy one. He wanted to talk to me about my dad today. It's something that I had managed to avoid for nearly 3yrs of seeing him, but he thinks that it is something that I needed to talk about before I can actively move on. Not sure about that, but I guess he is the expert.
My every waking minute I spend trying not to make the same mistakes that my parents did, in particular my father - apparently that isn't healthy, and I just need to focus on being me - both as a parent and as a person. Anytime I get angry I worry that I am turning into him. I worry that one day the monster that is inside me (being the part that he made) will surface and I will lose control and do the things that he did to me as a child. When I get angry, at the kids or at anything in life, I tend to run away. I retreat to the bedroom until the anger subsides. Psych said that normal people get angry, and that it isn't an abnormal emotion and that I am allowed to feel that way at times. Its the way I deal with it that is unhealthy. Bottling things up just makes it worse. I need to be able to talk about my feelings and work through them. We talked about the fact that my fear of turning into him is irrational and that we make our own destiny, and even though he is a part of my genetics, he doesn't make who I am.
Hard for me to absorb that, hard for me to believe that genetically I am not screwed up because he is my father. Hard for me to understand that because he solved things with his fists, that I won't travel down the same road.
We talked about my choice to not have anything to do with him even though he now has cancer. Last time I saw him was at my mothers funeral. I thought after that, that the next time I heard anything about him it would be someone telling me he had passed away. I was totally ok with that. Then he decided to try and get in contact with me to tell me he had cancer. I had no feelings whatsoever when he told me. No sympathy, no remorse, not even an inkling of sadness - and this is what made me decide that I did that want to be in contact with him, I couldn't be his emotional crutch and in no way could I ever forgive him for the things that he has done. Psych decided this was something that I wasn't ready to discuss with objectivity, so it was left alone.
So I don't really feel like we got anywhere lol. A waste of time and emotion on my behalf.
Corey gets home from camp this afternoon. I can't wait. Nights have been lonely without him to talk to. Moo has been so sooky and not wanting to go to bed, so I reckon she will be over the moon when he gets home.
Today is the start of the school holidays, 2 weeks with 4 kids home. Eek!! Hopefully it will be nice weather and we will be able to go out and about with them. We may even have a new family member at the end of the holidays, if I can make a decision on whether I am going to take the puppy or not. I wish sometimes I was better at making decsions, but I am constantly second guessing myself.
My every waking minute I spend trying not to make the same mistakes that my parents did, in particular my father - apparently that isn't healthy, and I just need to focus on being me - both as a parent and as a person. Anytime I get angry I worry that I am turning into him. I worry that one day the monster that is inside me (being the part that he made) will surface and I will lose control and do the things that he did to me as a child. When I get angry, at the kids or at anything in life, I tend to run away. I retreat to the bedroom until the anger subsides. Psych said that normal people get angry, and that it isn't an abnormal emotion and that I am allowed to feel that way at times. Its the way I deal with it that is unhealthy. Bottling things up just makes it worse. I need to be able to talk about my feelings and work through them. We talked about the fact that my fear of turning into him is irrational and that we make our own destiny, and even though he is a part of my genetics, he doesn't make who I am.
Hard for me to absorb that, hard for me to believe that genetically I am not screwed up because he is my father. Hard for me to understand that because he solved things with his fists, that I won't travel down the same road.
We talked about my choice to not have anything to do with him even though he now has cancer. Last time I saw him was at my mothers funeral. I thought after that, that the next time I heard anything about him it would be someone telling me he had passed away. I was totally ok with that. Then he decided to try and get in contact with me to tell me he had cancer. I had no feelings whatsoever when he told me. No sympathy, no remorse, not even an inkling of sadness - and this is what made me decide that I did that want to be in contact with him, I couldn't be his emotional crutch and in no way could I ever forgive him for the things that he has done. Psych decided this was something that I wasn't ready to discuss with objectivity, so it was left alone.
So I don't really feel like we got anywhere lol. A waste of time and emotion on my behalf.
Corey gets home from camp this afternoon. I can't wait. Nights have been lonely without him to talk to. Moo has been so sooky and not wanting to go to bed, so I reckon she will be over the moon when he gets home.
Today is the start of the school holidays, 2 weeks with 4 kids home. Eek!! Hopefully it will be nice weather and we will be able to go out and about with them. We may even have a new family member at the end of the holidays, if I can make a decision on whether I am going to take the puppy or not. I wish sometimes I was better at making decsions, but I am constantly second guessing myself.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Day 2 - a better day
Today was a better day. It was nice to get out what I needed to last night and it actually got me thinking and putting things in better perspective. Friends are the family you choose (some wise person said that to me) and it's so very true. I guess my issue with that is that I have had so many friends screw me over that I always have that thought in the back of my mind that I will either one day be replaced and never spoken to again, or that I will realise I was being taken for a ride and used all along. I put myself out there and try to be the best friend that I can be to people and this makes me an easy target - a doormat. Recently I have been trying to work out why some friendships failed but it's too hard for me to work out. I know that I changed as a person when D and I split, and maybe this is why. I probably won't ever know.
Corey headed off to camp this morning, and I'm missing him terribly. Moo is beside me on the couch, as she fell asleep because she was waiting for Corey to come home. Bit hard to explain to a 3yr old that its another couple of nights. I hope he is having a good time, can't wait until he comes home on friday.
Mowed the front and side lawns today. Sweated like a pig, but I am hoping that sweating this stupid bug out of me will help somewhat. I do feel better today, am going to pop down to the natrapath tomorrow and get some tonic to try and get rid of all the nasty toxins that are still floating around.
Last night when I went to bed I re read what I wrote and then thought about things. Even if my parents were here, would I let them be a part of my kids lives, especially when my childhood was quite crappy. If I had not left NSW would things be different, regardless of where I am in the world, I am still without parents/family. So at least I could put things in perspective a little better once the crying stopped and things became clearer in my mind.
Corey headed off to camp this morning, and I'm missing him terribly. Moo is beside me on the couch, as she fell asleep because she was waiting for Corey to come home. Bit hard to explain to a 3yr old that its another couple of nights. I hope he is having a good time, can't wait until he comes home on friday.
Mowed the front and side lawns today. Sweated like a pig, but I am hoping that sweating this stupid bug out of me will help somewhat. I do feel better today, am going to pop down to the natrapath tomorrow and get some tonic to try and get rid of all the nasty toxins that are still floating around.
Last night when I went to bed I re read what I wrote and then thought about things. Even if my parents were here, would I let them be a part of my kids lives, especially when my childhood was quite crappy. If I had not left NSW would things be different, regardless of where I am in the world, I am still without parents/family. So at least I could put things in perspective a little better once the crying stopped and things became clearer in my mind.
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
And so it begins
Wow, so I have put off the blog thing for a long time, but I guess at the end of the day, what does it hurt. If people want to read the crap in my head, then let them. If they don't, then they head off to another page. So this is it, bare bones honesty, no walls!
Where to start - I suppose today is probably the place. Today is the first time in a while that I have allowed myself to feel lonely. I think last week when I was sick, it started seeping in, but today it was horrible. Stupid Biggest Loser was the make over special and they all looked fab and have done such a good job, but they bought their families in to say how good they were going and how proud they were. It was then that I realised that I don't have that anymore. I don't think I even really had it when my mum was alive. Don't get me wrong I loved her, but it was an odd relationship and there was very little to none of the admiration and proudness thing. I remember the negatives, I can't remember being told that my parents were ever proud of me. I hope she was, or would be. I know that I don't always do the right thing and I fall over a lot in life, but my kids are my proud moment. I think that I have raised kids that are polite and friendly and that my mum would have been proud to have as grandkids. I am sad that she never got to meet them, but then if she was still here I am unsure I would have taken them to see her. So much pain would have come with that.
I don't class my father as my family, nor is he a person I ever want to come near my kids. He is a toxic and evil person and that is where I will leave that. When my mum passed away, that was when I became parentless.
My bro is the only other family member I have. He lives 2 states away and has his own family.
I hate living in Victoria sometimes - but then I think about living back in NSW and there are too many memories, and really, I would be equally as alone. Gosh I am a sad sack today, I just don't seem to be able to get passed it tonight.
Corey is off to camp tomorrow. He is looking forward to it. I am going to miss him, and I know Moo will also. To not be able to talk to him or message him for 3 days is going to kill me. He is the rock around here. He helps me so much with the other kids and I truley don't know what I would do without him.
School holidays are coming up, hopefully we can have a quiet one and just chill out for a bit.
I am still sick, I hate being sick. It's been a week now. I am better than I was, but can't seem to get rid of these temps and this stupid chesty thing. Dr reckons I have pneumonia and has given me more antibiotics. Maybe that's why I feel so crappy. Am wondering if they may be effecting my bipolar meds.
Jordan has his 5 hour session at kinder tomorrow, hate those days. Moo constantly asks if we can go get him and just wanders around lost. 5 hours is a long time for a 3yr old (also is for a 34 yr old, but don't tell anyone).
I don't really have anything else to write, so I guess I will end my first blog post on that note.
Where to start - I suppose today is probably the place. Today is the first time in a while that I have allowed myself to feel lonely. I think last week when I was sick, it started seeping in, but today it was horrible. Stupid Biggest Loser was the make over special and they all looked fab and have done such a good job, but they bought their families in to say how good they were going and how proud they were. It was then that I realised that I don't have that anymore. I don't think I even really had it when my mum was alive. Don't get me wrong I loved her, but it was an odd relationship and there was very little to none of the admiration and proudness thing. I remember the negatives, I can't remember being told that my parents were ever proud of me. I hope she was, or would be. I know that I don't always do the right thing and I fall over a lot in life, but my kids are my proud moment. I think that I have raised kids that are polite and friendly and that my mum would have been proud to have as grandkids. I am sad that she never got to meet them, but then if she was still here I am unsure I would have taken them to see her. So much pain would have come with that.
I don't class my father as my family, nor is he a person I ever want to come near my kids. He is a toxic and evil person and that is where I will leave that. When my mum passed away, that was when I became parentless.
My bro is the only other family member I have. He lives 2 states away and has his own family.
I hate living in Victoria sometimes - but then I think about living back in NSW and there are too many memories, and really, I would be equally as alone. Gosh I am a sad sack today, I just don't seem to be able to get passed it tonight.
Corey is off to camp tomorrow. He is looking forward to it. I am going to miss him, and I know Moo will also. To not be able to talk to him or message him for 3 days is going to kill me. He is the rock around here. He helps me so much with the other kids and I truley don't know what I would do without him.
School holidays are coming up, hopefully we can have a quiet one and just chill out for a bit.
I am still sick, I hate being sick. It's been a week now. I am better than I was, but can't seem to get rid of these temps and this stupid chesty thing. Dr reckons I have pneumonia and has given me more antibiotics. Maybe that's why I feel so crappy. Am wondering if they may be effecting my bipolar meds.
Jordan has his 5 hour session at kinder tomorrow, hate those days. Moo constantly asks if we can go get him and just wanders around lost. 5 hours is a long time for a 3yr old (also is for a 34 yr old, but don't tell anyone).
I don't really have anything else to write, so I guess I will end my first blog post on that note.
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